Caring : Chris's story

Working and caring full time:
Chris's story

We're proud to share a message written by Chris, a member of our very own Disability and Carers Network. At EDF, our employee networks are integral to our inclusive culture, they are open to all and support our people whilst advocating for positive change.

I was asked to share my experiences of being a carer. I hope you find this helpful and maybe if you are a carer too, recognise similar things if you are in a similar position.

Recently I was on a call for the Care Concierge company benefit through Legal & General, and I discovered I had been a carer longer than I thought. This was a real moment of clarity for me, and everything started to make sense.

For nearly three years, I have been caring for my mum, Ann, who is now 88, born in Fulham, London and was brought up during the second world war in the Blitz. The reason I say I have been a carer for longer than I thought is that since needing to do shopping, bathing, cleaning, and managing her home as well as mine, this is what you believe caring is when the person you are caring for is physically unable to do this for themselves.

However, I had been doing a lot of the above for my partner Terry for over 15 years before this, however, as he was physically able, I didn’t consider this to be caring.

Caring for my partner, Terry

My Terry had mental health and addiction issues that were not physical, but he was mentally unable to do things such as the above. Also, I never spoke about it to anyone as this comes with a social stigma even though the issues are not your own and you are supporting your loved one. Sadly, Terry died during lockdown 2020 of Cancer at the age of 54, but even through the last few months of his illness, when I did need to do the bathing, toilet trips, dressing and getting medication etc.,

as I was his partner, I still didn’t think this was part of being a carer, just part of what you do in a relationship.

It was the week of Terry’s funeral that I noticed my mum was ill and she was admitted to hospital. When she came home, the hospital diagnosed Mixed Dementia. Looking back, I can see changes to her behaviour, but at the time, I didn’t realise this was what it could be. If I am honest, those oddities frustrated me when they happened.

As soon as I was told why my mum acted like she was, I stopped being frustrated and realised it was her illness. The changes were so subtle in the beginning that they were hard to notice, but one thing I learnt from my Terry was how to get help in the home. When my mum was in hospital, I knew I had to get everything set up in the house in order for her to return and be safe when I was not there.

Once out of the hospital, these things are impossible to organise, and you will end up having to pay for them yourself if you can even get them. I had the Fire Service set up heat sensors in the house, put handrails on both sides of the stairs and all aids such as grab handles, toilet aids walking aids and a key safe.

I already had a panic button in place. However, my mum has now forgotten how to use this, sadly. The fire sensors came in handy recently when Mum boiled an egg, forgot about it and was in her bedroom when a group of firemen stormed in her room. If she remembered this happening, I am sure she would have tripped the sensors trick again a few times over.

She certainly didn’t mind the interruption.

My mum lives in the house I was brought up in and is 5 miles door-to-door from mine. I do have a brother and sister, of which I am the youngest by 14 years. However, as they are not living near, I am Mum's main career. Although lockdown was a terrible thing, the only good thing to come of it was changing from working full time in the office to working from home and now only needing to go into the office once a week.

Without this, I am sure I wouldn’t be able to continue to work.

Day-to-day life as a carer

I was going to write about what a normal day looks like, but I have realised there is no such thing. Working from home gives me the flexibility to work from my flat or Mum's home and allows me to take her to appointments or to her Dementia club…